Satire | New VIP experience launched at campus Starbucks

VIP

It is not yet clear if members of the Starbucks VIP program can receive their free birthday drink through the Starbucks app. Photo by Bonnie Cash

In response to multiple students’ complaints about long lines at Chapman’s campus Starbucks, the coffee shop will test out an experimental VIP membership experience.

Students who pay the $200 semesterly fee will receive a personal line “valet” to wait for their order, as well as exclusive access to the Starbucks VIP lounge currently under construction in the Beckman Hall lobby, said a public relations representative for Starbucks.

“I will gladly pay $200 to escape the purgatory that is waiting 35 minutes for a iced coffee,” said Alexis Murphy, a junior biological sciences major and frequent Starbucks patron.

All valets are “highly trained” to wait in lines for up to two hours and deal with name misspellings in a “timely and professional manner,” said Starbucks in an official statement.

“Chapman is a trailblazer in helping the company redefine what it means to wait in line,” said a Starbucks representative. “Though it’s just starting out, we want to reassure customers that we take this program very seriously.”

When asked how this development will affect the workplace, campus baristas said they did not care as long as they still get paid.

Starbucks has not responded to multiple requests for comment to verify if members of the VIP program can receive their free birthday drink through the Starbucks app.

Content on this page is satire for “I can’t believe it’s not news,” The Panther’s April Fools special issue.